Friday, April 4, 2008

No Holds Barred (1987)

(1987 Columbia Pictures) Director: Thomas J. Wright Starring: Hulk Hogan, Kurt Fuller, Joan Severance, Tiny Lister

Things I Learned From This Movie:

1.) Contrary to popular belief, professional wrasslin' is REAL.
2.) Hulk Hogan possesses herculean...nay, super human strength.
3.) A great way to work out the upper body is punching your fucking fists through concrete blocks suspended on chains.
4.) Need a place to exercise? Try you local steel foundry while it's in operation.
5.) Ladies...never share a hotel room with the Hulkster.....

Okay.....No Holds Barred, the first top billing cinematic opus of the Man with the 24 Inch pythons (Hogan's only previous attempt at a film role had been as wrassler "Thunderlips" in one of Stallone's Rocky cash cows) demonstrates, above all, that for an action film....this flick makes a pretty good science fiction comedy. Why sci-fi, you say?

Read above statement Number #1

The Plot: Hogan portrays "Rip", not a real stretch, seeing as how Rip is a professional wrestler who steals alot of his gimmick from former squared-circle veteran Superstar Billy Graham. Kinda like a guy Hogan. "Rip" is the champion of some fictional movie federation and adored by the public. Just like the real world!

A slimy, rival sports promoter named Brell (Kurt Fuller) wants Rip for his own uses, but Rip sees him for the heal he is and turns him down.
Brell proceeds to try and kidnap Rip. Jesus, sports promotion seems alot like racketeering in this flick. Just like the real world!

Rip succeeds in escaping Brell's cronies, in the process using his super-human he-man type strength (see above statement Number #2) to destroy a limo with his bare hands. If the wrasslin' biz ever peters out for Hogan, he certainly has a future in the auto salvage business. Just like the real world!

Brell does not take this lightly, to say the least. He sends men to cripple Rip's younger wimp brother Rick. Along the way, he discovers the scary man-mountain Zeus (portrayed by "Tiny" Lister, of Friday and The Fifth Element fame). We know his name is this, because ever five seconds he tends to stare into the camera and say it menacingly or yell it in rage. Guy's got serious anger management issues, needless to say. Brell coherses Rip into fighting Zeus the mental giant, and all hell breaks loose. Whta follows is a clash of the titans not seen since....oh...I don't know....maybe the Gorgeous Ladies of Wrestling (or G.L.O.W., to those of you who are wrestle savvy).

Rip wins. Whoop-de-shit. The End. P.S. Somewhere in there Joan Severance fits into all of this as Rip's girlfriend...or something.

Lister and Hogan later in their careers....and it's still hard to tell who ended up more respectable....

All in all, decent time waster for an hour and a half. I wouldn't sell the kids or anything to track down the long out of print hasn't made it to DVD yet (as I know of).....and maybe it's for the better. If ya want action like this...just go fire up the WWE on the ol' boob tube and watch it for free...

No comments: